top of page

What Knitting Taught Me About Motherhood



Last winter, I became a mom. I counted 10 fingers and loved and lost all at once. Whenever I talk about my baby Joy's fingers, everyone becomes speechless. It's as if the thought is too taboo, too horrifying. It is a nightmare that horror movies leave untouched.


The sacred love between a mother and daughter is one that I never understood. My maternal grandmother was a product of the New York City foster care system in the 1930's to 1950's.


When you don't have a mother yourself, it's so hard to be one. You don't know what to do, who to turn to, what to see, how to act, or react. You must act on basic instinct. But unfortunately, we don't have complete agency over instinct; it is shaped entirely by our experience as a human and by the people who raised us. But when there is no one there to shape their child and love their child, than you could guess what Grandma's Shirley maternal instinct was like.


My maternal grandmother was a product of the New York City foster care system in the 1930's to 1950's. Us girls don't know what happened in that time, but we did know that Grandma Shirley never had a mom and never knew what mothering was.

And so, she gave her daughters the physical things that she missed out on as a child. She gave them a warm home, handmade clothing, and spent all of the family income on private schools. She swaddled them in things, many of which were handmade things because that is what they can afford. And so, she loved them in the only way she knew how.


My mom struggled with motherly instinct. She struggled with love and compassion and care. We did not want for anything growing up, because for the most part, we had it. That was until we needed guidance from our mom. When it came to that, we had to learn from our own mistakes and accomplishments. One thing I did learn, was that like my grandmother, I was fiercely stubborn, sharp tongued, and used my crafts to channel my soul. I did not know how to talk about my feelings, but I had yarn and crochet and knitting needles, all tools that helped me navigate grief and love and lost and hate.


When I became pregnant last winter with Joy, I saw it as my time to start over. I saw it as my chance to finally have that bond. The first thing I ever bought Joy was a box of yarn. I planned to knit throughout my pregnancy, planting well wishes and love and hope into my stitches, until I was left with a collection of baby clothes. Knitting for someone is my way of showing love. And it is my way of understanding love too. I want to keep them warm and protected with a physical object. But that physical object is also filled with love.

When I was pregnant, my heart was so full. And it all burst when Joy was burn too early. My love gushed and oozed and roughly swaddled my husband. It suffocated me and everyone who tried to touch me. For a while, I tried to use my love as a guide to find my purpose, but it lead me in shaky taunting circles around the things that I wanted, never leading me to them.

I never felt love like this. I never breathed so much tragic love in my life. But I was not surprised when I picked up my knitting needles and started to build that love, stitch by stitch, into a tangible object that I can see and understand. I counted stitches and measured and weighed and calculated. The Joy shawl gave me what I needed. All I had at the time was my basic maternal instinct. But knitting Joy allowed me to understand myself piece by piece. It turned the great force of my love towards a purpose.

Joy and I do not have the typical mother daughter relationship because there is no "living" bond. But she taught me something that all daughters teach their mothers. She taught me love.


1,245 views4 comments

Recent Posts

See All

4 Comments


Janice Batts
Janice Batts
Sep 19, 2019

I was so happy when I found you on YouTube. Then I read this story. I understand that maternal disconnect as I grew up in foster care. I won't go into the unfortunate details of my life but it hasn't been pretty. I am so sorry for your loss.

Like

Rachel Miller
Rachel Miller
Feb 23, 2019

Joy, love and heartbreak and hearts full. Sending you virtual hugs. There is a poem by Sylvia Kantaris - Small Untidy Place that was shared with me and my parents when my brother died young and suddenly. It brought us some peace, amid so much turmoil. There are a few lines that really resonate with me and 23 years later still come to me as I read of Joy and I hope they might bring you a little solace too. "So all the lives he might have lived slipped out of him in ripples and were gone, to all appearances, yet grow in circles which are not contained by any accidental river bank" and now off to check out Joy's shawl.


Like

Oh my goodness. I just found your blog, looking for your new MKAL (yay!). And then I found this blog entry and it broke my heart. My family,like yours, is full of mothers doing their best to mother without all of the necessary maternal skills (instinct?). Likewise, I have struggled as a mother to give my children what I didn't have, as my own mother struggled, I'm sure. Your blog post resonates with me, although I have not experienced the loss that you have. I love how you have channeled some of your love and loss into your knitting and learned more about yourself. May you continue to experience more blessings and love. Now I'm headed over to Rav to…

Like

Thank you. This speaks to my Mother's Heart in such a beautiful way. Being a mother was all I ever really wanted in life, and has been the most soaring highs and most excruciating valleys. I wish the same for you, in all the best ways.

Like
bottom of page